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Dr. Neill Neill

The idea of the good marriage is built into our psyches. We want it; we seek it; we enjoy life more and live longer when we are in a good marriage. We are hard-wired to seek communion with another human being.

Conversely, if you have ever been in a marriage that wasn’t working, you felt you were in the loneliest place on earth.

The young man the movie, "Into the Wild," sought happiness by venturing alone into the Alaskan wilderness. In the end he wrote, "Happiness isn’t real unless it’s shared." Perhaps he was right.

A good marriage is fulfilling for both parties on all levels: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. And it lasts through all the personal growth and change that each will go through in life…

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He went to Emergency with "the flu" under pressure from the family. They thought he had pneumonia and admitted him. It turned out to be a serious staff infection.

Then tests revealed that the infection had moved to his heart area, and since he has an artificial heart valve, they transferred him to the cardiac unit in a larger hospital. There, various specialists are involved: cardiac, infectious disease, internal medicine and others as needed. One thing was agreed on: the condition of his heart rules out surgery…

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Dr. Neill Neill

You are invited to take some time to reflect further on love and marriage, particularly on keeping, restoring and renewing love… Recall that my last article was "Healthy Marriage: Some Advice about the Five Conditions of a Lasting Healthy Marriage."

The five conditions were

Look after yourself first…do not merge your identities…enjoy the show…never stop doing things together for fun and laughter…if you want more excitement, take up skiing…

Can you think of four more renewal factors for a strong marriage?

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Dr. Neill Neill

Many marriages start off as good marriages, but over time turn stale or even hostile.  At any given time huge numbers of couples are searching for ways to get their once healthy marriages back on track. There are five necessary conditions or factors which together can help you maintain (or rebuild) a strong, healthy marriage.

If you were to delve, you would probably find that virtually every troubled couple has neglected one or more of these key conditions. Of course, there are other things that can mess up a marriage, but neglect the following at your peril.

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Dr. Neill Neill

If you are like most of us, there are some things you’d like to change in yourself. Perhaps you’ve even made New Years resolutions to change.

This kind of commitment is good. Commitment is one key to losing weight, getting in shape, learning a new skill, finding your soul mate, getting a better job, learning a new language, running a marathon, going back to school, drinking less, spending time with your kids or communicating better with your partner.

You may be one of those people who can commit to personal change and follow through just like the women in the weight-loss adds on TV. If so, congratulations!

Enter Self Sabotage

If you are like most of us and run into problems following through, however, perhaps you are sabotaging your intentions without even realizing it. Does the following example apply to you in any way?

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Dr. Neill Neill

Sometimes life delivers a lesson, an image, a jolt that makes such a profound impression that it lasts a lifetime. This is a story of a simple act of generosity over 30 years ago that indelibly impacted me, materially and spiritually.

This past November I was heading for California on my motorcycle for a 3-day training workshop. All the early-winter storms seemed to be happening elsewhere, leaving me with decent weather for my journey. The return trip along the California, Oregon and Washington coast was spectacular.

As I rode south, I thought of earlier journeys.  I recalled a solo motorcycle adventure the year I first became a grandfather.

That particular journey started in Eastern Canada and took me through Mexico and Central America.

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Dr. Neill Neill

Mary (alias) recently took the Alcoholism Test and then emailed me. (She didn’t leave a public comment because she wanted her communication to be confidential.)

Although a few details are changed or omitted to protect Mary’s privacy, she began with

"I was researching functional alcoholism and came across your site. I took the Alcoholism Test to determine if my husband would be considered a functioning alcoholic. I have not yet spoken with anyone about this, but just researched Al-Anon and plan on attending a meeting…"

Mary goes on to make the following points:

• Married for 19 years.
• Husband a drinker, mostly drinking alone.
• He has been drinking more during the last 5-6 years (now more than two liters/week of hard liquor.)
• He is not abusive and does not miss work.
• He seems to have trouble remembering.
• He just seems out of it at night…

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Did you know that Christmas time ranks just below finances at the top of the list of what people find stressful and worrisome? Yes, Christmas has a dark side as well as a bright side. Where are you on the continuum between joy and dread at Christmas? Or are you all over the map?

For some Christmas is a time of joy, of family reunions, of generosity, of friendship, of gleeful children, of Christmas lights and of celebration. But for others Christmas is a dreaded time of pain, sadness or loneliness.

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Have you ever wondered where the guilt you sometimes feel is coming from? Do you think to yourself that you have nothing to be guilty about, yet you feel a twinge of guilt from time to time? Do you wonder if the guilt could be keeping you stuck in less than full mental health? Then read on.

I’m going to suggest one place guilt feelings come from and a simple way to reduce them.

When you were a child you were probably told a number of times that you should look both ways before you cross the street. Then when you mother would check up on you just before crossing a street, you would tell her with glee, "I should look both ways."

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