Here was my Halloween plan: not original, I know, but classic, effective, and cheap.

My front door, I decided, would become a lush, over-the-top spiderweb, a luxuriant Donald Trumpian display of muchness, which means … I would need two, maybe three, stretch-to-fit spiderwebs.

I don’t know the dimensions of my door (does anyone?), and I didn’t want to think about this for more than, oh, two minutes, so after a quick (and useless) trip to the Halloween section of my local drugstore, I jumped to the other web, the worldwide one, where I found (yes!) a nonflammable “Stretchable Spider Web” 12-pack for $10.99, with (yes!) a complimentary half-inch plastic spider, which (yes!) works out to about 90 cents per web (not including